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(no subject) [May. 23rd, 2005|06:25 pm]

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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2005|04:31 pm]
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Long Survey..X what applies to you! ;0) [May. 5th, 2005|07:09 pm]
x what applies

01. xI have kissed someone of the same sex on the lips.
02. xI see a therapist. {i have seen one}
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. xI am drawn to things associated with sadness.
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I wear black eyeliner every day.
07. xI am extremely influenced by kindness.
08. xI love to write, even though i think i suck at it.
09. xI can't live without lipgloss.
10. xI'm probably emotionally scarred.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. xI spend money I have.
13. xI'll be in college for over 4 years.
14. xI love designer handbags.
15. xI've had a concussion before.
16. xI'm not good with confrontation.
17. xI loved the Backstreet Boys.
18. xI have more than a couple of horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. xI've tried writing poetry before but it sucked.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I'm not a fan of rap.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. xI hate girls who are fake.
25. xI can be mean when I want to.
26. xWhen I allow myself to get close to people, I get very attached.
27. I am bisexual.
28. xI have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I was into Hot Wheels as a child.
30. xI dress how I feel that day.
31. xMy room is painted a color other than white.
32. xI cry very easily.
33. I'm always early.
34. I barely ever study for tests.
35. My birthday is my favorite holiday.
36. xI have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I am a morning person.
38. xI wish I was smarter.
39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.
40. I don't blame gay people for being gay.
41. xNo one really knows me.
42. I don't have many bad hair days.
43. xI always fight with my parents.
44. xI am passionate about my interests.
45. xI have had the chicken pox.
46. xI'm a hopeless romantic.
47. xI feel empty sometimes.
48. xI was clinically depressed at a point in my life.
49. I am no longer depressed because of medication.
50. I am very outgoing.
51. xChristmas/Chanukah is my favorite holiday.
52. xI can be very insecure.
53. xI don't notice it, but I'm told I'm very softspoken.
54. xI hate ignorant people.
55. I love the color yellow.
56. I love guys/girls that play the guitar.
57. xI state the obvious.
58. xI'm a moody person.
59. xI sometimes have a low self-confidence
60. xI've contemplated suicide.
61. xI hate cleaning my room.
62. xI tend to get jealous.
63. I like to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I get more upset when I see an animal hurt than a person!!!!
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat meat.
67. xI've had a crush on a teacher before.
68. xI am too forgiving.
70. xI have a good sense of direction.
71. I'm happy with my life most of the time.
72. I've played a musical instrument for more than 5 years.
73. xI can function perfectly well without a girlfriend/boyfriend.
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. xI love the color blue.
76. xI don't sew.
77. xI am not addicted to drugs.
78. xI wear contacts.
79. xI don't really care about politics.
80. I hate Bush, but I have reasons to justify it.
81. xI don't take criticism well.
82. xConformity is stupid.
83. I love Colin Farrell.
84. Rockerska boys/chicks turn me on.
85. I love my family.
86. xI don't mind getting shots.
87. xI am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the guitar.
89. xI can be too hard on myself.
90. xI don't believe that premarital sex is wrong.
91. xI don't like my nose.
92. I am very religious.
93. xI still act like a little kid...sometimes.
94. xI am ridiculously indecisive.
95. xI believe in a higher power or some form of an afterlife.
96. xI love music.
97. I'm in love.
98. xI have problems letting go of people.
99. Ashlee Simpson is awesome.
100. I don't really like ice cream.
101. I listened to Raffi as a child.
102. xI am proud to be a woman.
103. xI want to be loved.
104. xI wish I could change the world.
105. I want my tongue pierced.
106. I have/had my bellybutton pierced.
107. I have my tragus pierced!!!
108. xI worry more about my friends and family than I do myself.
109. xI'm incredibly compulsive.
110. I have/want to get a tattoo.
111. xI have/want to get my ears pierced.
112. xI believe in God.
113. xI need attention.
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2005|07:14 pm]
My therapist gave me a book to borrow, entitled LIFE WITHOUT ED. I read some of it, put it down, and cried. It was the most triggering thing. I don't recommend it for anyone! Although I am not experiencing a crisis, I am just so down and depressed. I wish I was a different person, I wish I wasn't me. My birthday is next week and I don't want to get older. I want to stay young and be cared for and play on playgrounds and play hopscotch and go to recess. I will be 20 years old and it scares the hell out of me. I want to be a child again, desperately. Although a lot of shit happened when I was younger, I wasn't depressed and anxious like I am now.
I am going to type out some more of my thoughts:
-I DO want to got to school in the fall. I DON'T, however, want to hate it and want to go within the first week.
-My mom knows I'm not doing well. But my dad doesn't. If I were to go somewhere for treatment, it would be so akward with him.
-if I don't go to treatment and stick with therapy twice a week, what the hell am I going to do all summer? I'll be bored as hell!
-If I was halfway fucking normal, I'd get a job like everyone else my age. Problem is I'm too depressed and anxious for that.

I need to figure this shit out. I don't how I ever will :(
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(no subject) [Apr. 26th, 2005|08:26 pm]
Ms. Amy, thank you so much for sitting on the phone with me and showing me how much you care about me. When most people say they care, I usually brush it off in an instant. But I really believe you when you say you care about me. You are an angel, Amy, a miracle; God's miracle. You were put on this Earth for a damn good reason. I just wanted to let you know that I have never been so touched in my life. THANK YOU, my love.

Today I called Amy on the phone and I discussed one of my fears: the future. Even if I go into treatment, what the hell am I going to do when I get discharged? I feel like the obsession with food is always going to there, in the back of my mind, dancing in circles and never taking a rest, not even a mere break. And haunting me like a serial killer. I don't want to live my life with a food obsession. I really don't. Problem is, I don't know how to kill the obsession. I feel so helpless to this eating disorder. I know if I had it bulimia's way, I'd be driving around all day, going through fastfood drive throughs and then puking. I want to live a life without this crap, but I feel like I'm locked in a cage with no sight of a key. I know what I'm supposed to be eating. I know how many calories I'm supposed to consume on a daily basis. The problem is that I am obsessed. Food makes the flashbacks go away. Food makes me think about none of my stupid, pathetic problems. I read this somewhere and I think it pertains heavily to my life. "All of my emotions turn to vomit." Wow. All I can say is wow. When I'm eating, I don't have to think about that guy who told me, "It's ok" when I told him to stop holding me down, or if I'm in school, I don't have to think about how much I want an A, and anything less is just unacceptable. I would give anything, anything to get rid of my food obsession. I just don't know how outpatient therapy can help right now. Maybe it could when I had things more under control. But now, I feel immensely powerless to bulimia. Amy told me that although we have lost many battles, we will ultimately win the war. I would love to believe that. I must get this under control. There is correlation between bulimia and suicide and I can see why. I need help more than ever right now. I wish I could slap bulimia in the face, kick her in the knees, and make her fall to the ground in despair. I wish I could make her cry profusely in incredibly horrific pain. I want her to feel the way I've felt for the past 8 years. I want her DEAD.
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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2005|08:19 pm]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]

I'm a fatass.
I wish there was no more food in the world.
I'm sick of obsessing over food.
Since I know logically that food will always be there,
I am afraid. Immensely afraid.
I eat so unhealthy.
I need to lose weight, for real.
Even my doctor would agree.
My therapist thinks we can work on this outpatient.
There is always going to be the fucking fucking food.
UGH! Dear Lord, please take me to a land where there is no food, where everyone is given a simple pill that contains nourishment.
I refuse to live like this forever.
Yet I can't see life any other way.
If anyone reading this prays, could you say a prayer for me? I would appreciate it more than words could explain. Thank you.
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(no subject) [Apr. 24th, 2005|12:15 pm]
I am in a great deal of pain, thanks to these stupid monthly period cramps :( I get them so badly, to the point where I'm in tears and can't do anything but lay im bed with a heating pad on my lower abdomen. I took pamprin two hours ago and it's not really helping. Too bad I have to wait another 4 hours to take some more:( I hate my period. It means Im healthy and I don't want to be healthy. yeah...
This morning my cousin came over and I tutored him. It was SO hard to, because of the pain I was experiencing, but I managed to do it :-) I hope all is well with everyone. i'm going to lay down with my heating pad. these cramps suck!!!
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2005|06:09 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

My tummyache is back :( :(
Even though my dad is supposed to be here soon, I was feeling very hungry so I decided to snack on a half of a bagel and some life cereal. Now I'm in a great deal of pain. Stupid purging all the time destroys the stomach, I suppose. I just took 2 tums, and I doubt they'll do the job. I need something stronger. Anyone have any recommendations? This has been happening everytime I eat something :( :(
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2005|04:02 pm]
Last night I was in a decent mood for a change. My brother informed me that he was going downtown with some friends and therefore, was not going to attend dinner with my brother, sister, and I. That made me so happy, because my brother is a big pain in the ass to go out to dinner with. He almost never compromises and it just irritates me. So I talked to my sister last night and we both agreed on Olive Garden. Yum! I love their pasta, salad, and unlimited breadsticks. I was even thinking about sleeping over at my dad's house (which I never, ever do). Then morning came and I woke up with excruciating stomach pains that lasted a few hours :( I took a few tums and ate some Life cereal and they finally went away. Everything went to shit, including my mood, when my brother came home from school a little while ago. He told me that he wasn't going downtown any more,because of the cold weather, and that he would be joining us for dinner. UGH!!!! So, I told him, "Josh, Ali and I want Olive Garden" and he responded with a "yuck." You know what? FUCK HIM! I was in an okay mood for once. I know there will be a big situation come 6:00, when my dad is expected here to pick is up.

I'm so cold and lonely. (((((hugs)))) for all.
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Survey :-) [Apr. 21st, 2005|06:37 pm]
Name - Jennifer Michelle M.
Birthday - May 4, 1985
Hair color - Brown with blonde highlights
Eye color - Brown
Height - 5'7"
Food - Pasta with chicken, mushrooms, spinach, in a cream sauce
Store - Target
Candy - Hershey Bar
Drink - Cherry Coke
Animal - Kitty
Color - Pink
Sport - Soccer
Singer/Band - Shakira
Scent - Mostly anything from Bath and Body Works..Something Rasberry
Movie - Stepmom
--- OR ---
Black or WhiteBlack
Cell phone or ComputerComputer
Blue ink or Black inkBlue
Cat or DogCat
Pepsi or CokeCoke
McDonalds or BKMcdonalds baby!
A&F or HollisterNeither
Tattoos - No
Piercings - Ears
A cell phone - Yes, my most prized possession!
A job - no
A car - Yes
A Boyfriend/Girlfriend - no
Smoked - Yes
Drank - Yes
Been to Mexico - Yeah, like 4 times :-) I <3 Mexico beaches!
Been to Jamaica - No
Been to Italy - No
Been to Germany - No
Been to Florida - Used to live there :0)
Eaten sushi - Yes
Been in an Accident - Yes :(
Cheated on your B/f or G/f - No
Hair color - Blonde
Eye color - Blue
Height - 5'11"
Preppy/Punk/Etc. - Preppy
Weakness - None :-)
Short/Long hair - Short
Car - BMW convertible
Job - Actress
Husband/Wife - Brad Pitt ;)
Worst Fear - Someone I know being murdered
Best Friend - Amy

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