||[Apr. 26th, 2005|08:26 pm]
Ms. Amy, thank you so much for sitting on the phone with me and showing me how much you care about me. When most people say they care, I usually brush it off in an instant. But I really believe you when you say you care about me. You are an angel, Amy, a miracle; God's miracle. You were put on this Earth for a damn good reason. I just wanted to let you know that I have never been so touched in my life. THANK YOU, my love.|
Today I called Amy on the phone and I discussed one of my fears: the future. Even if I go into treatment, what the hell am I going to do when I get discharged? I feel like the obsession with food is always going to there, in the back of my mind, dancing in circles and never taking a rest, not even a mere break. And haunting me like a serial killer. I don't want to live my life with a food obsession. I really don't. Problem is, I don't know how to kill the obsession. I feel so helpless to this eating disorder. I know if I had it bulimia's way, I'd be driving around all day, going through fastfood drive throughs and then puking. I want to live a life without this crap, but I feel like I'm locked in a cage with no sight of a key. I know what I'm supposed to be eating. I know how many calories I'm supposed to consume on a daily basis. The problem is that I am obsessed. Food makes the flashbacks go away. Food makes me think about none of my stupid, pathetic problems. I read this somewhere and I think it pertains heavily to my life. "All of my emotions turn to vomit." Wow. All I can say is wow. When I'm eating, I don't have to think about that guy who told me, "It's ok" when I told him to stop holding me down, or if I'm in school, I don't have to think about how much I want an A, and anything less is just unacceptable. I would give anything, anything to get rid of my food obsession. I just don't know how outpatient therapy can help right now. Maybe it could when I had things more under control. But now, I feel immensely powerless to bulimia. Amy told me that although we have lost many battles, we will ultimately win the war. I would love to believe that. I must get this under control. There is correlation between bulimia and suicide and I can see why. I need help more than ever right now. I wish I could slap bulimia in the face, kick her in the knees, and make her fall to the ground in despair. I wish I could make her cry profusely in incredibly horrific pain. I want her to feel the way I've felt for the past 8 years. I want her DEAD.